Maybe you begin avoiding conversations at work or in social situations because you are afraid of being rejected? Do you refuse to participate in sports or other activities because others may see you as clumsy? Are you so rigid in your likes and dislikes that you?re not open to new kinds of music or books outside your interest, or eating unfamiliar types of food because you might not like them? People come to know and appreciate each other through sharing experiences. If you stay in a small, safe world you only cut yourself off from others and from the growth you could gain from new experiences.
Humans tend to gravitate toward their comfort zones. A comfort zone is any place, situation, relationship or experience where you don?t feel any threat. It is where you feel safe. It is usually a place or situation known to you where you feel some control, or at least you usually know what happens, in this place or setting. Examples of comfort zones include your home, your job, the things you commonly do every day, the people you spend time with such as your friends or family members, the places where you frequently go to eat and the types of food you eat, the places you go to exercise, the type of car you drive and directions you commonly travel to get to your various destinations. Humans prefer being in places, being around people, doing things that are more comfortable to them. Each time you move out of your comfort zones you expand, you grow. You become more and move toward your unlimited potential.? There is a catch to this expansion process. It doesn?t automatically happen without any effort on your part. It is your effort that produces the expansion. Included in this effort is usually overcoming or dealing with some type of fear. Frequently, it is a scary shift from comfort to discomfort.? But if you are to expand and grow, that is where you must put yourself. This means facing your fears with some frequency. Moving out of your comfort zones implies facing your fears. The experience of fear is similar to the perception that you are being chased by a big bear. Yet, realistically you rarely find yourself in situations that are the equivalent to being chased by the big bear less. Rarely, if ever, are you truly in danger. Similarly, when you venture out of your comfort zones, you sense the emotion of fear because you feel that there might be pain or discomfort of some kind. But the reality is that when you do go out into the discomfort zone, you are rarely, if ever, hurt, in the true sense where physical pain is involved.
The key to overcoming this fear of leaving your comfort zone is not seeing yourself as powerless, even in the face of unavoidable calamity. Otherwise, you might as well find a quick way out of such a ruthless and painful existence. It is helpful here to differentiate between powerlessness and empowerment. To feel powerless is a common human experience because there are some things you obviously have no control over. However, even in situations where you feel such impotence, you can still empower yourself to take positive action and choose a positive direction. Each and every human has a choice in how they respond to suffering. Suffering is unavoidable.
But you can choose your attitude. You can choose to see the unconditional meaning in all of the suffering your experience. Even in the extremely difficult situations you face, you have the opportunity to grow spiritually, taking your difficulties as a test of your inner strength. You can find inner strength by looking to some future goal, which allows you to rise above the sufferings of the moment as if they were already in the past. Suffering ceases to be suffering the very moment you find a meaning. There is opportunity in suffering. You have the opportunity to accept the challenges you are faced with, to be proud of your struggles and suffer bravely. The decisions you make are your responsibility and you chose how to interpret your suffering. You can chose to find meaning in it, to use your suffering by turning a tragedy into a triumph, by seeing a hopeless situation as a growth experience. Yet, if you choose to obsess and worry about past and future misfortune, you?ll most certainly create a life filled with discomfort, anxiety, fear, and frustration. If this way of thinking goes unchecked, it snowballs and you become plagued with negative thoughts and emotions. Eventually there is no room for your natural state of peaceful mind. If, on the other hand, you turn your mind in a different direction, you create the space for peace to emerge. It is not unlike tending a garden, where you diligently pull the weeds you don?t want and water the plants you wish to grow.
I could talk about all the reasons why humans feel fear. But until you actually step toward that border of your comfort zone, look at your fear straight in the face and step toward it, you will never rid yourself of your fears. As Shakespeare once said, ?A coward dies a thousand deaths, a hero only one.? Why would this be? It is because the coward lives the potential outcomes repeatedly in his mind, continually bringing up the pain that will certainly accompany the event being considered. But the hero just goes for it anyway. He doesn?t think about it much. He simply moves in the direction of the feared thing and nearly always finds that things are rarely as uncomfortable as they were perceived to be in the first place. It is important that as you do go through your fears, that you celebrate the victories for doing so. The more that you associate pleasure and positive feelings with risking, the more you will be inclined to risk again.
We have been taught to believe trust is a commodity to be earned by others. Once they have passed certain tests, then we feel safe to extend our trust. When you trust someone, you know he or she will do the right thing. You know they have their affairs (no pun intended) under control. They are faithful and loyal. You don?t need constant reassurance of this?you just know. What you don?t do is constantly grill a person about where he or she is and with whom he or she is spending time. You don?t have him or her followed looking for proof of infidelity. You don?t snoop around in his or her personal belongings or private places. You trust that he or she can be trusted.?
Of course, there will inevitably be someone you trusted who didn?t deserve it, but don?t allow that to shake the foundation of your self-confidence. It is right to trust the person with whom you are involved. If he or she is undeserving of your trust, in time this will be revealed to you and then you can move on and forgive?whether or not you choose to stay with the person. But if your choice is to forgive and stay, then put trust into an action verb once more. It does no good to stay if the trust is forever gone. You will find that eats at your self-esteem daily and you will turn into someone you don?t recognize and definitely don?t like. Be the person you want to be in the relationship. Don?t let paranoia and suspicion ruin a good thing.
I was recently talking to one of my clients about her readiness to begin a new relationship. This woman, Susan, had been divorced for about five years and believed she was ready for a new dating relationship in her life but nothing was happening for her. I asked her if there was something holding her back. She is an attractive and fun-loving person. I suggested that maybe her ex-husband was still holding too much power over her emotions to allow her to engage in a relationship with someone new. She thought about that and realized that what really happened is that when her husband had an affair with a much younger woman, it totally shook her self-esteem. If she doesn?t like herself, how can someone else be attracted to her?
So often, when our trust is shattered, we tend to look at ourselves. What?s wrong with me? Why did someone I love betray me? Why didn?t I see it? Instead, we need to look at the character flaw in the other person. When someone makes a promise to another and breaks it, then that is a flaw in them, not you. Trusting really comes down to which is most important to you?trust or self-protection? If you are more concerned with keeping yourself safe, you probably won?t trust because you are afraid of being hurt. However, can you really protect yourself? Won?t you still be hurt to learn of a loved one?s deception? Without trust, you will never achieve that level of intimacy a trusting relationship provides.
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Source: http://angerclinic.wordpress.com/2012/08/18/fear-trust-and-relationships/
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